I cry out overwhelmed from sadness that can’t be soothed away.
Despairing of anything good.
I can’t concentrate…can’t make the airline reservation without thinking why I need to, or without step by step help from the kindest of souls. I can’t even recall how my name is written on my license.
Where are the many pens? Where are the notebooks? I can’t find them through the wet.
I’m writing on a napkin and it’s falling apart too.
I can’t catch my breath…I continue down to the crazy…and then I catch myself…and don’t know what to do with all this unspent emotion.
Where does it go except straight to my heart. The very effort of “strong” is weakening me inside.
How can I catch my heart from its jumps and jostles…ready to attack the rest of itself and implode.
Inside me a battle is being fought and I have no control.
My swollen vessels, have turned against me.
Self destructing from the inside out.
I’m weeping from the inside out.
God, I know you hear me. I know you feel just what I feel now.
I know you will steady me…I just need to breathe, and to wait. The interminable waiting strains my chest.
Steady one minute, chaos the next, when will I learn? And yet you never give up on me.
You alone know. You know what is inside. You know what is ahead. You know and that is good.
That is enough for now…for this minute. And I think of the song from long ago…Jesus loves me. This I know.
“…little ones to Him belong, they are weak, and He is strong.”
Around the Table 
When I feel like that, I sit down, close my eyes, and count to six breathing in through my nose and eight out through my mouth. I have atrial fibrillation, so the controlled breathing is helpful. So much to be sad about these days, but spring cheers me up.
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Thank you, Judith. I use controlled breathing too. It is definitely my go to in many situations. Last night things just were overwhelming. Perspective, breathing deeply and slowly, and lots of redirecting of my thoughts got me back to normal again.
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